Nearly a year since I realised I wasn't coping. That trying to manage the two children on my own through the daytime just wasn't working and that those old symptoms of low mood, sleeping a lot and a fogginess in my mind had returned. Nearly a year since I admitted it and told my health visitor and nearly a year since that first session.
So much has changed since then and so much has been discussed. And yet not much has changed. Whilst I've dealt with a lot of my past issues, there are still presents ones that cause problems. And in that time my Chronic Fatigue has been diagnosed as I've rapidly gone downhill with my tiredness. My family has suffered, my friendships have suffered and I have been the lowest I've felt in many years.
And yet there have been positives. I have finally dealt with long standing issues from childhood and school. I have confronted my fears surrounding my dad and accepted them and the reasons for them. I have acknowledged problems that have arisen because of my schooldays and am dealing with them. I have realised things about myself and am moving towards accepting them. It has not been an easy road, but I have taken steps along it that I never thought I would.
Today we discussed how to manage my feelings around guilt and my illness. That comments like 'get over it' and 'appreciate what you have' only serve to make me feel guilty that I don't, when in fact I do. That there is nothing wrong with being a sensitive person, it is not a weakness as I have always been made to believe, and that in turns it brings compassion and empathy. That if I walk away from confrontation I am protecting myself instead getting involved in a situation I cannot handle and that will only serve to make me take on more feelings of guilt and not being good enough. And that acceptance doesn't mean I am happy about my situation, only that I acknowledge that this is the way things are right now and in the immediate future I cannot change it. I think that is the hardest one of all.
I feel like one chapter has now closed, but in turn it has created so many more pages. I am hugely thankful to everyone who has gotten me to this stage, but also aware that really this is only the beginning of getting better. And maybe I will never get completely better, or that my view on being 'normal' will have to shift. For now I feel OK about things and am looking to a brighter future. At least I made it this far.
 |
| It's all for them |
