You Are Not Alone: Chronic Fatigue And Guilt

As a chronic fatigue sufferer, one of my hardest emotional struggles is the feeling of guilt. I am not the person I once was and my mind really struggles with that thought and so there are many times when I let people down.

Wanna Hibernate?

If you follow me on social media at all you will be aware that the last couple of months have been tough going. As some of you may know I suffer from M.E./Chronic Fatigue and have done for the last three years, and in that time things have been a battle. For the majority of this year I was on the up, feeling a lot better, more awake and happier than I had been in some time. I was able to do things with the children, I was feeling motivated and actually working. Then September hit and it all went to shit.

A Ten Year Anniversary

Last week it was my birthday. Not a special birthday, just your every day mid-thirties acknowledgement. But my birthday also marks another special event - our wedding anniversary. Ten years ago, on my 23rd birthday, Mr and H and I said I do. Ten whole years. A decade. So much time has passed and so much has happened, yet in many ways it feels like only yesterday.

Trying To Handle A Flare

The last month has not been a great one for me. Regular readers may be aware that I have chronic fatigue, or M.E. I was diagnosed two years ago and it has been a really really tough road to where I am now. Which is about 80% better than I was a year ago. But in this journey I have to understand and try and accept that the road to recovery is not a straight one.

A common occurrence for chronic fatigue sufferers are flares - times when your symptoms seem to 'flare' up all of a sudden, for no reason, and set you back massively. It seem this last month I've been possibly experiencing one of these.

It's been a strange month as I've had so much happiness and laughter throughout it - blog conferences where I've had so much fun, times with my family, moments of such pride and sheer joy at my two little people and how incredible they are, and moments of such closeness with my husband.

But behind it all, behind the veil, my mind's not been doing too well. It's been running over time, refusing to sleep, thinking way too much and just worrying about nothing at all.

I can look back and see some of the reasons that have probably caused it - a small friendship problem, the whole EU situation and the uproar that has come from it (although I am not political, all the hate that has arisen does affect me a lot), too much travelling, renovations going on in the house,  and a few rows at home. Not to mention my husband travelling a lot at the moment, and the children fighting with me constantly at bedtime. When you put it all together it doesn't bode well for a chronic fatigue sufferer.

I have been trying so hard, though, not to crash. I have actually felt proud of myself for how far I have come in the last twelve months, and even though others may not see it, I can look back at where I was and how little I was doing and know I've improved. I have been able to take some of my life back and regain control, which is an incredible feeling. So a slip backwards, no matter how small, can feeling frightening. And I think that reluctance to submit to these feelings hasn't helped.

Now I can feeling myself overly tired a lot. Constantly on the verge of tears. Leaning on my husband a lot more and feeling frustration when he struggles to support me. Shouting at the children way too much. I think that last one bothers me the most. Chronic fatigue does not make me a good mum at all. Damn, I hate it for that.

So here I sit, trying to get it all out, and trying my hardest to work through this tough time and come out of the other side. It's taking longer than I expected and I feel exhausted by the battle, but I have to get there.

Reclaiming Myself

Two weeks ago saw me returning to the working world for the first time in six years - before Holly was born, when we emigrated to America. I have been so fortunate to be able to stay at home with my two and be such a huge part of their lives whilst they have been little but I was more than ready to put myself out there again.

Mum Bod

Recently an image has been bandied around on social media of a 'mom bod' - a supposedly realistic body image of today's motherhood. Whilst there is no denying that the mum in question is definitely brave for putting herself out there and should not be criticised for trying to change the outlook of what is the 'ideal' figure, however I have to question those platforms who have shared this idea of what characterises a real mum-tum. Yes this lady has certainly earnt her tiger stripes and saggy tummy, however in my opinion her very svelte figure and clearly-defined abs do not elicit shouts of joy nor encourage me to embrace my own well-rounded and muffin-topped postpartum physique. Quite the opposite.

Why I'll Be Glad When My Daughter Goes To School Full Time

Like many parents, last week I dressed my four year old in her new school uniform, tied her hair in matching bobbles, took the obligatory photos whilst she stood and posed for me and then nervously dropped her off with a group of strangers in a new environment to start the next journey in her life. I waited outside the school gates, holding her little hand, I reassured her as I left her in a room full of strangers and I walked back home alone to an empty house.

Yet inside I was praying for the next week to come, when she would be in school from nine until three, instead of returning home before lunchtime.

Let me get this straight, I adore my children and I work hard to be the best parent I can be. But they exhaust me, completely and utterly. From the minute they scream mummy at me at anything from 6am until the moment the lay their heads in the pillow after fighting with me at bedtime, I am worn out.

I play with them as much as I can, I take them for days out, I educate them, I cuddle them, I help them to grow. But as I do this my energy drains away and often my sanity and by the end of the day I can often be left just a shell, desperate for a moment to myself. I have headaches, I have memory loss, I have to drag myself out of bed almost literally. I struggle to feed myself due to low energy, a shower can make me dizzy and the house is a tip around me.

The reason behind all this? I have chronic fatigue. I have had it for two years now and whilst I manage it a lot better than I used to, I still find most days a struggle.

It has been an uphill battle to try and manage the every day symptoms and I have had many a setback. It is emotionally devastating realising how limited you are and how little you can do now. When once I climbed mountains, now the stairs wipe me out. Throw two young and demanding children into the mix and the days can seem endless and my parenting skills hopeless. The guilt is never-ending.

So if you see me at the school gates, hair slung back, make up loaded on to cover the bags under my eyes and not a tear to be shed, please don't judge me. I love my children more than anything, I am just living in the haze of an illness that is impossible to see but is debilitating at times. After I drop off my little girl and walk home to an empty house, it is with a guilty but lighter heart as it means I can lay down and rest. And maybe when I wake up I may have a little more energy to run around the park with her after school, rather than sitting on the sidelines as I often do. A little more energy to be the mum I want to be.

A CFS Update

Today I've been reading back on some old blog posts and remembering my journey over the last couple of years with depression and chronic fatigue. It's so strange to read back and remember the days I wrote each post and the feelings. And it's interesting to see what a roller coaster it has been and how my mood went up and down.

Today has been a crap one. The children are in nursery and I have the day to myself, and if I am completely honest it's my favourite day of the week as I can do nothing without feeling guilty that the children are suffering from it. 

The last two weeks have seen me sleeping an incredible amount of hours in a day, though, and I'm really feeling low about it. And the housework is suffering and my husband is struggling. Today I dropped the children at nursery, wen back to bed and didn't get up until two. Two!! So I basically slept the day away, and probably could have stayed in bed longer too.

It's so tough to see the light at the end of such a long and dark tunnel and I'm fed up of feeling better and having hope, only for it to be dashed. It's day like this I wonder if things can ever change. I couldn't even be bothered to put a bra on for crying out loud!

My headaches are worse than ever at the moment, quite often I feel like my head is in a vice. I'm finding myself tripping over words and stammering and another pleasant side effect of it all is my left eye has started twitching. So I'm bra-less, makeup-less with a twitching eye. Goodness knows what the workers at nursery think when I drop the kids off on a morning!

It's all part and parcel of the joy that is chronic fatigue. I just wish it would let up a little and let me get back to enjoying my time with my children. Miss H starts school in September and I feel like all I've done is wish her young days away. Sometimes life just feels so bloody unfair.

My Body, My Way

Since having the children and particularly since gaining weight whilst I've been ill, I have been really uncomfortable in my own skin. As a teenager and throughout my twenties I never had to worry about my figure and I was so lucky to be able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without a second thought. I never understood those who dieted and always felt that whatever my body type I would accept it and love it. That was then.

Aged 18

CFS: A Relapse?

It has been a fair while since I posted about my chronic fatigue on the blog, which I think is probably a good judge on how much better I've been doing. Whilst not back to 'normal,' whatever that is, I have so much better than I was twelve months ago. That is until this weekend.

Valentine's 12 Years In

It's only mid-January and yet already people are talking about Valentine's. Personally I'm still recovering from Christmas, yet I am seeing Cupid-related press releases and people pinning their little romantic hearts out with heart-shaped crafts, gifts and recipes.

Myself and Mr H right when it all began

Welcome to 2015!

Over the last couple of years I have written a post setting a few goals for the coming twelve months and assessing how I did with these the previous year. I find at this time of year I like to sit back and reassess where I've come and where I hope to go in the future - it is quite therapeutic. I have spent quite a lot of time over the last couple of weeks journaling, planning, brainstorming and have also followed Susannah Conway's Find Your Word programme.

Decision Time

I was recently asked by TheCircle.com about decisions. We all have to make decisions in every moment of our lives - from when to get out of bed in a morning, what to wear, eat or drink and which route to take to work. It is these decisions that create the path we follow in our lives and ultimately shape our destinies. So I had a look back at some of my decisions in the past, the best and worst. Whilst I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, there are some I definitely look on as probably to the wisest at the time. And of course there are those that I reflect on with joy, those that brought us the best moments of our lives.

So here's a video all about the decisions on my life, good and bad.





In collaboration with TheCircle.com, featured post.

Is Zoella A Positive Role Model?

A couple of days ago I was involved in a really interesting conversation on Twitter, following the recent article on Zoella in The Independent. This article questions whether this Youtube sensation is a suitable role model for children, given that she talks about beauty and make up, and therefore the benefits of altering our appearances. A few of us shared our thoughts on whether a young girl who is now a Youtube phenomenon should be using her platform to encourage young girls to celebrate their natural beauty rather than her usual beauty videos.

Are Women Better Parents Than Men?

This is a subject I have been meaning in to touch on for a while. Every day, usually on Facebook, I see pictures, quotes and the like being passed around stating how women do so much and men do so little, how women know so much and men don't etc etc. I may be a women myself, but these images make me seethe.

Living With Invisible Illness

The world has been shaken this week by the sad loss of Robin Williams. Battling depression and apparently in the early stages of Parkinsons, he decided he could no longer carry on and took his life.

Unfortunately for many of us these thoughts are not foreign. I'm sure lots of people out there battling their own demons have gotten to the point of 'I just can't do this anymore.' To some of us it is a fleeting thought, for some of us it is a call for help and to some it is a decision, one that that changes lives.

Birthday-Versary 2014

Every year myself and Mr H try to do something on our to celebrate both my birthday and our wedding anniversary - which are on the same day. Sometimes it's a weekend away, sometimes it's just spending the day together quietly at home. This year we hadn't planned anything in particular so when they day came we decided to have a quiet wander around the nearby village of Knutsford and then visit Tatton Park.

Beautiful Knutsford

I can't do too much walking and the gardens at Tatton were quite enough for me, but the weather held out and it was a really lovely day. I even managed to peruse a crafty shop or two and, of course, make some purchases.

My purchases

It's now been eight years since the day we took our vows and celebrated our special day in front of all of our family and friends. Several moves and two children later we are still going strong. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for this man. Happy Anniversary to my darling husband. May we still be just as crazy in another eight years!

Round and Round The Merry-Go-Round

Today has been one of those days. In fact it has probably been one of the hardest days in a while due to things out of control, rather than my mood.

I have now had three seasons of CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The idea behind this method of counselling is to challenge and change your thought processes. So far my counsellor has helped me pinpoint how my negative thoughts can spiral and cause emotional and physical symptoms which can end up becoming a vicious circle. 

Mums' Time Out

It is easy when we are mums to get bogged down in the day to day life of being a busy parent, and forget about ourselves. Often this can lead us to feel we have lost our sense of self and feel left behind with nothing to feel is our own. It is therefore important for us to reclaim our own time back and do the things we enjoy, in order to be the best mum we can. But in this busy world and with tiny people hanging onto our skirts, this can seem an impossible task. Here are some suggestions to get the best out of your situation.

Britmums Live 2014: My Highlights

Last week seven hundred parent bloggers swooped on London and into The Brewery for the biggest blogging conference of the year. It is an event we all look forward from the day the tickets are released and plan down to the last minute.