Handling Hard Times With Chronic Fatigue

I have never been one to hide away on this blog and despite my problems often being very personal, for the most part I try to be open and honest about what is going on. Maybe one day someone may read it and realise they are not alone.

I've talked previously about my dad who two years ago he was diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma - cancer of the lymph nodes. He has a very rare form which was difficult to diagnose and by the time it was it had already reached terminal diagnosis. Now he undergoes treatment to hopefully stop the cancer spreading and help him manage his symptoms so he can live as much of a life as he can. Last week we got the news that his cancer had spread and he needs to resume chemotherapy. 

It was a cruel blow for us all to hear. He has been pretty steady for a while and whilst we are all very aware of his illness, we were able to try and put it to the back of our minds and focus on life right now. Once you hear devastating news everything comes rushing to the front and knocks you for six.

That has certainly been the case with me. Chronic Fatigue comes with its own baggage - not just the tiredness, but anxiety and depression are common predisposals to the illness, and both of which I struggle with. When you mix all these together it is not a fun concoction, let me tell you. Feeling down about something, anxious over those feelings and tired to boot which only serves to exacerbate those moods, and you have someone who can barely function. Which has been me for the last few days. It's why my blog has gone deathly silent and why I have reached out to friends in a way I rarely do. It's affected my relationship with my husband as I have been snappy and impatient and there have been endless tears. It's crazy how one thing can set off a string of a whole host of other things and life can seem almost impossible. In fact just yesterday I told my husband I felt I was failing at life - as a mother, a wife and just a human being. For the past week I've barely lived, it feels.

So this post is a message to anyone out there who suffers and feels the same hopelessness I do -  you are not alone. Often I feel that way, that I am the only one who struggles with this and that nobody else understands. But that isn't the case really, in fact there are many of out there, handling our illness alone. And badly.

What gets me through these difficult times is talking about things, resting as much as I can and just taking each day at a time. If I can get through one day, maybe I can get through the next too. Often the days seem never-ending and completely overwhelming but there is nothing to do but get through it the best you can, and hope that the next day will be that bit brighter.

If you are struggling and need some support then please do contact me. You can leave a message on this blog or tweet me @hollybobbs on twitter. In the meantime, keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Today is World Mental Health Day, if you are struggling and need support you can visit the ME Association website.

Best Bits for 2014

This time last year I shared my most popular posts of the year, and I really enjoyed looking through what you, my readers, had appreciated the most. I decided to do the same again this year, so with the exclusion of giveaways and review posts, here are your top five of 2014.

All Too Much

Just lately it has been getting all too much in our house. Mr H has been working away a lot and has gotten really run down and so been ill, meaning I've had to cover the majority of the childcare and take on more in the house. Even with the help of family and friends it has been hard and there doesn't feel like there is an end in sight. It is affecting our sanity and our relationship, but above all it is affecting our little lady.

A Chronic Fatigue Update

It was last May when I first wrote about my returning depression and last August when I first mentioned Chronic Fatigue. I attended my first appointment at the ME clinic last November and since then have written many posts about my ups and downs with the illness.

Britmums Live 2014 - My Experience

I don't really know where to begin with this post and I have a feeling it may be a bit of a ramble, so apologies.

On Friday I excitedly hopped on a train down to London once again for the monumental blogging event of the year - Britmums Live. It is the event of the year in our little world and one so many of us look forward to for the full twelve months prior - as soon as we book our tickets the day they go on sale and set a reminder in our phone for the date train tickets become available. It is a day that sees hundreds of us plan our outfits, glam ourselves up and flock upon the Brewery in London. We all sit in a room, side by side, cry, laugh and learn together and our community becomes strengthened with every word and every embrace. It is immense.

And this year it all proved too much.

Hollybobbs Best Bits for 2013

With 3 days to go until the arrival of 2014, I thought I would share Hollybobbs' most popular posts. So here are the top five most read posts...

I Am Not Supermum

I decided a whilst ago that I wanted to document after each counselling session - what was discussed and decided and what topics came about. This is so I have some sort of record of these sessions, as my hazy mind tends to forget the most basic of thought recently.

A Wonderful Day

I was dreading Wednesday this week, to the point I totally freaked out on Tuesday night thinking about it - we're talking tears, I'm not good enough's, I'm a bad mother's - the works. All because I was being forced to endure the thing I feared the most - a day on my own with the children.

This time last year

I used to be fine on these days. We would play, go for walks, learn and have a lovely time together. Then PND hit and it went south. Nowadays I avoid them like the plague. However all friends were busy, my mum was away and my in-laws had already had the children Monday and Tuesday for me and I don't like to push them too much.

So Wednesday arrived and I dragged myself out of bed, as is the norm these days. We had breakfast, the children played and I felt OK. Really OK. I considered a walk and thought, yes I can manage that. So we got dressed and we went out for a walk.

It was lovely. A great autumn day. We went to our local park, which is pretty limited but still there's a swing and a slide and it's better than being stuck indoors. Then we went on a leaf collecting walk. H jumped in puddles, pointed out trees, leaves and berries to me and chattered away happily.

Our leaf collection

To some these days are normal, as they were at one stage for me. But lately they are a rare delight. A day when I have the energy to get the children dressed, get them outside and enjoy them.

A day I felt like me again. It was wonderful.

Out of Control

Today I am feeling lost. This morning I had my eleventh counselling session and although it went OK and I came out of it taking a bit more away than I went in with, I still feel heavy.

About ten days ago I dropped my Citalopram from 40mg to 20mg in the hope it would ease the extreme tiredness I have been struggling with. The grogginess seems to have eased somewhat but the tiredness is still there, and today I can feel it. My head is so slow and heavy it is all I can do to turn it without feeling completely drained.

Today we spoke out several things - my need for control, even down to a minute thing such as the children not playing together properly. I've realised this is why I freak out so much at home and although I don't actually lose control physically, I obviously take it all inside and that is why my head is so full and messy. We also discussed my tendency to blame myself for everything and feel I should be better - in how I manage the children, what we do together at home, the housework, cooking tea, my relationship with my husband, my blog. I am always looking to improve, nothing is ever good enough.

Towards the end of the session my counsellor discussed the main topic we have worked on throughout my treatment, which is my history with lack of self-confidence, what has caused it and why I am the way I am. By talking through the things that happened in the past and coming to accept the outcomes and my own reactions to them I feel I have, for the most part, dealt with it. So she suggested using the same method for my present problems. This just seems like such a daunting and overwhelming task, though, it makes me just want to go to bed! Seriously!

So next week we will be drawing a timeline of my past, the problems and what we have discussed about them. Maybe that will give me a chance to step back and look at the whole picture, and hopefully help me to see how to deal with the now.

I hope so as I'm not sure how much longer I can go on feeling so drained, heavy and lost. I feel like my head is in limbo right now, waiting for change but not sure how to go about it.

These Shoes

These shoes are heavy, sometimes they weigh me down
Making me drag my feet
Making every task a million times harder.

These shoes are old and worn
Much like the feet in them
Battered and bruised
Ready for a change

Sometimes these shoes get a break
Whilst a new pair take over
Sometimes beautiful strappy shoes
All shiny and new
Ready to take on the night
Come out to play.

Sometimes boots give me a rest
All cosy and fluffy inside
Keeping those toes cushioned
And away from the cold
Making memories

Or even sandals, open and proud
Bringing the joys of summer
Dragging sand everywhere they step
Making life a little lighter for a short time

But much of the time these shoes stay the same
Never-ending, never changing
Oh how I wish I could throw them in the bin
Like a worn pair of slippers
But instead I place them on each morning
As I get ready for the day
Grey and foggy, never rested
Aching from beginning to end
Often crying from the length of their stay

But wear them I must
As they are my shoes
They may start to get lighter
Maybe even sparkle occasionally
But they will always be my shoes
And I must learn to love them
Once and for all

*This is a sponsored post

The Last Few Months

The last few months have been challenging to say the least. We moved house in November, Little H turned two in December, Christmas, New Year and Baby J's Christening in February.

But by far the hardest months have been the last three - my dad noticing his raised lymph nodes, waiting weeks for a diagnosis, and finally told two weeks ago was stage 4 skin cancer.

In the meantime I have been finding things harder and harder. All of the above on top of managing two young children eighteen months apart. Children who do not know boundaries, do not know how to share, how to play, how to be 'good' and 'nice'. It has been frustrating to constantly say over and over and OVER 'put that down' 'give it back' 'stop doing that'. I know it's all part and parcel of being a parent, but when you are trying to manage two babies behaviour it is relentless. By the end of every day I am completely drained with nothing left in me.

All this had led to me being diagnosed with depression, starting anti-depressants and the beginning of counselling. This isn't the first time I have had depression, but this time it is different. If I get into a really bad place it doesn't just affect me, it affects my two little ones and I don't want that. Instead I've found myself cutting off from those emotions and often feeling like I'm just waiting. Waiting for a change. Waiting for a happiness. Even waiting for those tears that would normally fall so easily.

I am fearful that I will look back in a few years and have missed my babies growing up. I am so tired it is all I can do to get us dressed and fed most days, let alone trying to split myself into two continuously trying to play, settle disputes and educate them the way I hope to.

I guess there isn't much point to this post apart from to record how I feel at the moment, and maybe look back in a few weeks or months so I can see how I've progressed. I just hope most of all that this time does not have a negative effect on my children.

Depression Is Not A Weakness: My Story

This week it's Depression Awareness Week. Did you know that 1 in 5 people suffer from depression at some point in their lives, with women more likely to be affected as well as 10% of children! It is an illness that few people understand or know how to deal with, something I know from my own experiences.